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2.1.ch1

 

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I tried to pull a rabbit out of a hat,

but he just wouldn’t come out.

First, I tried using a toilette plunger.

Then I tried a pair of oversized forceps.

Then I tried a jackhammer.

Finally, I drilled some holes and tried some dynamite.

Then I looked up and noticed that I was standing above the cup

of the putting green on the 3rd hole.

A guy was standing there with his hands on his hips just watching me.

I had no idea that Tiger Woods had such an interest in rabbits.

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It seems like everywhere I’m go “bears” are causing problems.
And sometimes even malicious mischief.

Janitor: I’m sorry sir this bathroom is closed for cleaning.
Me: Is a bear responsible for this need to clean?!!
Janitor: Yes.

Police officer after hitting me repeatedly with his baton:
“Any further comments about me looking like one of the Village People?”
Me: Did a bear put you up to this brutality?
Cop: Yes.

Abraham Lincoln’s ghost:
I was sent by my brother “Uncle Sam” to help you with your taxes.
Me: How many bears were injured in the filming of this documentary?
Abraham Lincoln’s ghost: Four score??

As I watched the news on television I couldn’t help but feel
that the current situation in Syria had been caused by a bear.
Perhaps a bear in search of honey!!

Now that I’m dead and a thousand generations have tread upon
the earth as I look down from my throne in Heaven…

Young boy to mother at circus:
Look Mommy is that bear wearing a hat?
Mother: Yes son. Yes, he is wearing a hat.
Again, what would otherwise have been a perfect day spoiled by a bear!!!

God: Hey, where did you get a throne? I want a throne.

1

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Joe: I want to be a life coach:
Me: That’s a great idea Joe. You could teach people how to be a loser.
Or how to accept their being a loser.
Joe: Or both.
Me: I’m voting for you for President.
Lucille: I too want to want to be a life coach!
Me: I think Joe already has the “loser” market covered.
Lucille: Are you saying a woman isn’t qualified for the job.
Me: I was, but you just changed my mind.
Tom: My life coach told me I would be happier if I got her a joint checking account.
Bill: My life coach helped me overcome my fear of using gas station bathrooms.
Julia: My life coach only has a 3rd grade education. Isn’t it inspiring that he went on to become a successful life coach?!
Adam and Eve…
Eve: My life coach “Snake” said that you would like an apple.
Abraham Lincoln: I know the beard and hat make me look ridiculous, but my life coach told me they would keep me from getting assassinated.
At a nearby prison:
Bubba: Congratulations Sluggo after 30 years in prison you’ll be getting paroled, but you have no job skills what will you do?
Sluggo: I’ve always wanted to be a life coach.

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The cartoonization of the work place was inevitable.

As inevitable as apple pie and motherhood.

Eventually, political correctness and lawsuits required

that we address each other primarily as cartoon characters.

Our boss for example was a squirrel with big bags under his eyes from lack of sleep.

He lay awake a lot at night worrying about the business,

as well he should with some of the characters that worked for him.

For example…the brunt of most our negative work aggression was a guy we called “Troll.”

We blamed him for everything.

I think he lived under a bridge.

His primary adversary was a 400 lb cat with a ponytail we referred to as “King Felix.”

King Felix like the hit Troll over the head with his mallet,

which represented something important like the “budget.”

One day King Felix demanded that Troll build a 12-story gingerbread house

and proceeded to…

Yes.

Yes, sir Mr. Squirrel.

How’s that important PowerPoint I’m supposed to be working on coming?

What do you think you’re reading?

No.

No, King Felix I will not change your cat box.

Have Troll do it.

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emonkey

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Throughout the history of business it has become necessary to regularly come up with nonsensical, but authoritative blitherings to

enable meeting avoidance.

Example:

Potential Presidential Candidate Benedict Arnold: “So it’s agreed. We hold an all-day off site to determine if we write the Declaration of Independence on white or off-white paper.”

Benjamin Franklin:”Good idea!” “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”

And then Ben just walks away avoiding

the following all-day offsite.

He has just spoken complete gibberish, but delivered it authoritatively convincing people it must mean something important and he obviously knows what’s he’s doing,

so they had better leave him alone.

New such nonsensical lines are needed on a regular basis.

Example today:

My boss (probable descendent of Benedict Arnold): “So it’s agreed. We hold an all-day off site to determine if we print our user manuals with white or off-white paper.”

Me: ”Good idea!” “Time heals the banana.”

And then I just walk away skipping the all-day offsite.

The thing I like about this line as people try to plumb the depth of its meaning is that they may even wonder if there is some kind of sexual reference or innuendo here, making it even less likely that they will ask what it means. Yet it’s not so explicit that they can go to HR and complain.

Further example:

Me walking home.

Some guy: “Oh my God, I think this monkey laying here

may have just drowned.

Does anyone know CPR?”

Me: ”Good idea!” “Time heals the banana.”

Paramedic: “Thank God a doctor! We’re putting you in charge.”

Me: “Pardon me I misspoke. What’s good for the goose

is good for the gander.”

Paramedic: “Oh my God, it’s Benedict Arnold!”

“Can you join us for an all-day off site to determine if we paint our ambulances white or off-white .”

Me: “What about the monkey.”

Paramedic: “We paint him off-white?”

catpolitics

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Everywhere you go in the world today you encounter “cat politics.”

“Where’s my squeak mouse?!! Is it under the couch again?!!”

“I want to eat 20 times a day, but when would I sleep?!!

Undertaker at funeral home “How do I get all this fur off this guy in the open casket?

It’s a changing world. Most of that positive change being driven by “cat politics.”

Police Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over sir?

Cat behind wheel: Do you have any tuna?

Cat politics. It’s the politics of hope.

And the politics of a dead bird left at your patio door.

Maybe it’s not so much the politics of bird hope.

Cat: I didn’t say that economic disparity didn’t exist,

I said I need a leg to rub against!!!

sharklifeguards

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Card done for Hallmark Cards

emonkey

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First I showed my bar chart.

The data conclusively showed that I was much more likely

to go to a bar that was closer to work on the way home.

Then I showed my pie chart.

The data indicated that the majority of my time

was spent eating pie at the bar.

I also spent significant time eating pie at the circus.

Then I showed my elephant chart.

No one had ever seen an elephant chart.

It just showed a picture of an elephant sitting at a bar

eating pie at the circus.

He was wearing a hat.

Most found the data in the chart pretty compelling.

Although one elephant did get up and walk out.

There was also an 800 lb gorilla in the room.

He seemed to come to every meeting.

And just sat there saying nothing.

No one ever addressed the 800 lb gorilla in the room.

This time he raised his hand.

Me: “Yes?”

Gorilla: “I have a question about your pie chart.”

Me: “Yes?”

Gorilla: “Is that a banana cream pie?”