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Tag Archives: cartooning


It seemed like everyone from our janitor at work

to the President of the United States was bragging

about how “online dating” had improved their lives.

So being a person that mindlessly follows the crowd

I decided to explore this myself.

It was a lot like interviewing for a new job.

If you get past the initial email screen,

you then work your way through

a thorough phone screening.

Here’s an example of how that went…

Woman 1: Do you have baggage?

Me: You bet. Both light weight for a weekend get-away

or a full set for say a more extended trip to Europe.

All for quick carry on.

No luggage with a pull cord and wheels.

For an able-bodied male to not just carry

his 20 lb suitcase it just seems…wrong.

Woman 1: Question 2…I have a lavender

#3 set of pull cord with wheels luggage  with #9 tawny handles and trim.

What color pull cord with wheels luggage do you have?

It is important that they don’t clash with mine,

yet they express the essence of your masculinity.

Me: Nice talking to ya.

Woman2: Are you an “Alpha Male?”

Me: Errr. I don’t think an “Alpha Male” would have to tell he is an “Alpha Male.”

You would just know when he walked in the room.

Woman 2: Just answer the question. Are you an “Alpha Male?”

Me: Errr. I’m the guy that kills all the other “Alpha Males.”

What does that make me?

Is that what you’re looking for?

Woman3: I’m a yogini.

Me: I’m a man, so I don’t actually know what you just said.

I’m hoping it means you just described yourself as a delicious edible pasta dish.

Or at least you’re not wearing any panties.

Woman 4: In this picture it looks like you want to kill somebody.

Me: Maybe I shouldn’t have had my boss take that picture?

Woman 5: You’d be a lot more datable if you shed 40 lbs of muscle

and shaved all that hair off your chest.

Me: Maybe you should date another woman?

Sometimes I think only my the neighborhood cat who stares at me from behind

her window understands my “Alpha-maleness.”


Here’s my latest learnings from women’s on-line dating profiles

as well as interactions.

Abraham Lincoln: “The soul is best cleansed with vinegar, baking soda,

and a toothbrush. Or sharing your humiliations publicly.”

Woman 1: I’m looking for a man that can keep up with me.

Me: I’m a lot bigger and a lot faster than you, so no matter how fast you

run away from me I am going to catch you and take you down.

Go ahead walk away briskly. Run. I’ll give you a head start.

Woman 2: I’m an “evolved” woman and I’m looking for an “evolved” man.

Me: I think you need to look up the meaning of the word “evolved.”

Evolution takes many, many generations.

Unless, you are saying you finally got rid of that useless pinky toe?

The rest of us are at least a 1000 generations behind you.

Good luck on finding that “evolved” guy who got rid that useless pinky toe.

Or, on the evolutionary front you realize I’m at least a 1000 generations

behind you and really a Neanderthal? Trust me. That’s all guys.

Apparently many women love “sarcasm?”

Interesting, I was always taught that this was cruel and unkind growing up.

Woman 3: “I love sarcasm and can take it as well as dish it out…bring it on!”

Me: “OK. Those pants make you look fat.”

Me: “Why are you crying?!” “Don’t you know a sarcastic compliment when you get one?

Here is another perplexing one I hear all the time.

Must be from some book or movie that some women consider important?

Woman 4,5 & 6: “Go big or go home!”

Me: Look. I’m a guy, I was born big. I can go where ever the hell I want.

Home is not a bad option.

Damn useless pinky toe.

Woman 7: I’m a nonjudgmental woman . I’m looking for a nonjudgmental male.

Me: Is this your way of telling me you used to be a man?

Woman 8: You look like you just got out of prison.

Me: Thanks. I shaved off my ZZ Top beard just this morning.

Woman 9: You look like trouble.

Me: Is that good or bad.

Woman 9: Both.

Finally, progress…




I went to the Monster’s Ball

Everybody was there.

Nobody was there.

Heidi and Carla were there.

Their dresses were far too tight

but they knew how to sweat

Sweat with rhythm

Manifest Destiny

showed up in her tight dress

she made me run the flag up

the flag pole and salute it

tempest tossed and torn

yearning to breathe free

Big Bad Wolf huff and puff

Goldilocks danced and slid up

and down the brass pole

Thank God she wanted to be a fireman


she is the light that
creates my day
I am the night consumer
of her light

she is the angels
and the heavens above
I am the devil
in the deep blue sea

she is the break
in the ocean’s wave
I am the castaway
washed up on the shore

she is the prancing filly
on the showroom floor
I am the horse
that can’t be broken

only she can break me


Just like other men across the United States the guys at work had gathered

in the break room to talk about the success of our US Women’s Beach Volleyball

teams and to speak with often animated honor about those who played the sport.

For example…


Dave: Lithuania?! Did you see the size of the hands of the woman volleyball

player from Lithuania?!

Men love women with big hands. It makes us feel secure when they old our hands.

Then a “woman” walked in…

Woman: You guys disgust me. You only watch the sport because the

women are wearing skimpy bikinis. I bet you would watch any sport if the

women played naked.

Bill took offense to this comment and objected: Not bowling and golf!

We all raised our hands to give her a high-five and salute Women’s Beach Volleyball.

But she declined to high-five us and stormed out of the break room.

Tom: Can’t you see she was trying to make a point.

We all agreed she was trying to make a point.

What that point was we had no idea.




I tried to pull a rabbit out of a hat,

but he just wouldn’t come out.

First, I tried using a toilette plunger.

Then I tried a pair of oversized forceps.

Then I tried a jackhammer.

Finally, I drilled some holes and tried some dynamite.

Then I looked up and noticed that I was standing above the cup

of the putting green on the 3rd hole.

A guy was standing there with his hands on his hips just watching me.

I had no idea that Tiger Woods had such an interest in rabbits.


It seems like everywhere I’m go “bears” are causing problems.
And sometimes even malicious mischief.

Janitor: I’m sorry sir this bathroom is closed for cleaning.
Me: Is a bear responsible for this need to clean?!!
Janitor: Yes.

Police officer after hitting me repeatedly with his baton:
“Any further comments about me looking like one of the Village People?”
Me: Did a bear put you up to this brutality?
Cop: Yes.

Abraham Lincoln’s ghost:
I was sent by my brother “Uncle Sam” to help you with your taxes.
Me: How many bears were injured in the filming of this documentary?
Abraham Lincoln’s ghost: Four score??

As I watched the news on television I couldn’t help but feel
that the current situation in Syria had been caused by a bear.
Perhaps a bear in search of honey!!

Now that I’m dead and a thousand generations have tread upon
the earth as I look down from my throne in Heaven…

Young boy to mother at circus:
Look Mommy is that bear wearing a hat?
Mother: Yes son. Yes, he is wearing a hat.
Again, what would otherwise have been a perfect day spoiled by a bear!!!

God: Hey, where did you get a throne? I want a throne.


Joe: I want to be a life coach:
Me: That’s a great idea Joe. You could teach people how to be a loser.
Or how to accept their being a loser.
Joe: Or both.
Me: I’m voting for you for President.
Lucille: I too want to want to be a life coach!
Me: I think Joe already has the “loser” market covered.
Lucille: Are you saying a woman isn’t qualified for the job.
Me: I was, but you just changed my mind.
Tom: My life coach told me I would be happier if I got her a joint checking account.
Bill: My life coach helped me overcome my fear of using gas station bathrooms.
Julia: My life coach only has a 3rd grade education. Isn’t it inspiring that he went on to become a successful life coach?!
Adam and Eve…
Eve: My life coach “Snake” said that you would like an apple.
Abraham Lincoln: I know the beard and hat make me look ridiculous, but my life coach told me they would keep me from getting assassinated.
At a nearby prison:
Bubba: Congratulations Sluggo after 30 years in prison you’ll be getting paroled, but you have no job skills what will you do?
Sluggo: I’ve always wanted to be a life coach.


The cartoonization of the work place was inevitable.

As inevitable as apple pie and motherhood.

Eventually, political correctness and lawsuits required

that we address each other primarily as cartoon characters.

Our boss for example was a squirrel with big bags under his eyes from lack of sleep.

He lay awake a lot at night worrying about the business,

as well he should with some of the characters that worked for him.

For example…the brunt of most our negative work aggression was a guy we called “Troll.”

We blamed him for everything.

I think he lived under a bridge.

His primary adversary was a 400 lb cat with a ponytail we referred to as “King Felix.”

King Felix like the hit Troll over the head with his mallet,

which represented something important like the “budget.”

One day King Felix demanded that Troll build a 12-story gingerbread house

and proceeded to…


Yes, sir Mr. Squirrel.

How’s that important PowerPoint I’m supposed to be working on coming?

What do you think you’re reading?


No, King Felix I will not change your cat box.

Have Troll do it.



Throughout the history of business it has become necessary to regularly come up with nonsensical, but authoritative blitherings to

enable meeting avoidance.


Potential Presidential Candidate Benedict Arnold: “So it’s agreed. We hold an all-day off site to determine if we write the Declaration of Independence on white or off-white paper.”

Benjamin Franklin:”Good idea!” “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”

And then Ben just walks away avoiding

the following all-day offsite.

He has just spoken complete gibberish, but delivered it authoritatively convincing people it must mean something important and he obviously knows what’s he’s doing,

so they had better leave him alone.

New such nonsensical lines are needed on a regular basis.

Example today:

My boss (probable descendent of Benedict Arnold): “So it’s agreed. We hold an all-day off site to determine if we print our user manuals with white or off-white paper.”

Me: ”Good idea!” “Time heals the banana.”

And then I just walk away skipping the all-day offsite.

The thing I like about this line as people try to plumb the depth of its meaning is that they may even wonder if there is some kind of sexual reference or innuendo here, making it even less likely that they will ask what it means. Yet it’s not so explicit that they can go to HR and complain.

Further example:

Me walking home.

Some guy: “Oh my God, I think this monkey laying here

may have just drowned.

Does anyone know CPR?”

Me: ”Good idea!” “Time heals the banana.”

Paramedic: “Thank God a doctor! We’re putting you in charge.”

Me: “Pardon me I misspoke. What’s good for the goose

is good for the gander.”

Paramedic: “Oh my God, it’s Benedict Arnold!”

“Can you join us for an all-day off site to determine if we paint our ambulances white or off-white .”

Me: “What about the monkey.”

Paramedic: “We paint him off-white?”