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0241

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she: You f*ck porn stars?

Somebody’s gotta audition them ma’am.

she: How many women you been with?

Five.

she: Five?!! In a lifetime?!!

I thought you meant at once.

she: You seem awfully full of yourself.

Would you feel better if I put a little of myself in you?

she: I may be an escaped felon.

Better give you a full body cavity.

she: Here…

I think we’d both feel safer if I were handcuffed.

God: I could learn a thing or two from you.

Why do you think I let you hand out with me?

 

 

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It seemed like everyone from our janitor at work

to the President of the United States was bragging

about how “online dating” had improved their lives.

So being a person that mindlessly follows the crowd

I decided to explore this myself.

It was a lot like interviewing for a new job.

If you get past the initial email screen,

you then work your way through

a thorough phone screening.

Here’s an example of how that went…

Woman 1: Do you have baggage?

Me: You bet. Both light weight for a weekend get-away

or a full set for say a more extended trip to Europe.

All for quick carry on.

No luggage with a pull cord and wheels.

For an able-bodied male to not just carry

his 20 lb suitcase it just seems…wrong.

Woman 1: Question 2…I have a lavender

#3 set of pull cord with wheels luggage  with #9 tawny handles and trim.

What color pull cord with wheels luggage do you have?

It is important that they don’t clash with mine,

yet they express the essence of your masculinity.

Me: Nice talking to ya.

Woman2: Are you an “Alpha Male?”

Me: Errr. I don’t think an “Alpha Male” would have to tell he is an “Alpha Male.”

You would just know when he walked in the room.

Woman 2: Just answer the question. Are you an “Alpha Male?”

Me: Errr. I’m the guy that kills all the other “Alpha Males.”

What does that make me?

Is that what you’re looking for?

Woman3: I’m a yogini.

Me: I’m a man, so I don’t actually know what you just said.

I’m hoping it means you just described yourself as a delicious edible pasta dish.

Or at least you’re not wearing any panties.

Woman 4: In this picture it looks like you want to kill somebody.

Me: Maybe I shouldn’t have had my boss take that picture?

Woman 5: You’d be a lot more datable if you shed 40 lbs of muscle

and shaved all that hair off your chest.

Me: Maybe you should date another woman?

Sometimes I think only my the neighborhood cat who stares at me from behind

her window understands my “Alpha-maleness.”

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Here’s my latest learnings from women’s on-line dating profiles

as well as interactions.

Abraham Lincoln: “The soul is best cleansed with vinegar, baking soda,

and a toothbrush. Or sharing your humiliations publicly.”

Woman 1: I’m looking for a man that can keep up with me.

Me: I’m a lot bigger and a lot faster than you, so no matter how fast you

run away from me I am going to catch you and take you down.

Go ahead walk away briskly. Run. I’ll give you a head start.

Woman 2: I’m an “evolved” woman and I’m looking for an “evolved” man.

Me: I think you need to look up the meaning of the word “evolved.”

Evolution takes many, many generations.

Unless, you are saying you finally got rid of that useless pinky toe?

The rest of us are at least a 1000 generations behind you.

Good luck on finding that “evolved” guy who got rid that useless pinky toe.

Or, on the evolutionary front you realize I’m at least a 1000 generations

behind you and really a Neanderthal? Trust me. That’s all guys.

Apparently many women love “sarcasm?”

Interesting, I was always taught that this was cruel and unkind growing up.

Woman 3: “I love sarcasm and can take it as well as dish it out…bring it on!”

Me: “OK. Those pants make you look fat.”

Me: “Why are you crying?!” “Don’t you know a sarcastic compliment when you get one?

Here is another perplexing one I hear all the time.

Must be from some book or movie that some women consider important?

Woman 4,5 & 6: “Go big or go home!”

Me: Look. I’m a guy, I was born big. I can go where ever the hell I want.

Home is not a bad option.

Damn useless pinky toe.

Woman 7: I’m a nonjudgmental woman . I’m looking for a nonjudgmental male.

Me: Is this your way of telling me you used to be a man?

Woman 8: You look like you just got out of prison.

Me: Thanks. I shaved off my ZZ Top beard just this morning.

Woman 9: You look like trouble.

Me: Is that good or bad.

Woman 9: Both.

Finally, progress…

 

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I went to the Monster’s Ball

Everybody was there.

Nobody was there.

Heidi and Carla were there.

Their dresses were far too tight

but they knew how to sweat

Sweat with rhythm

Manifest Destiny

showed up in her tight dress

she made me run the flag up

the flag pole and salute it

tempest tossed and torn

yearning to breathe free

Big Bad Wolf huff and puff

Goldilocks danced and slid up

and down the brass pole

Thank God she wanted to be a fireman

001

she is the light that
creates my day
I am the night consumer
of her light

she is the angels
and the heavens above
I am the devil
in the deep blue sea

she is the break
in the ocean’s wave
I am the castaway
washed up on the shore

she is the prancing filly
on the showroom floor
I am the horse
that can’t be broken

only she can break me

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Just like other men across the United States the guys at work had gathered

in the break room to talk about the success of our US Women’s Beach Volleyball

teams and to speak with often animated honor about those who played the sport.

For example…

Dave:

Dave: Lithuania?! Did you see the size of the hands of the woman volleyball

player from Lithuania?!

Men love women with big hands. It makes us feel secure when they old our hands.

Then a “woman” walked in…

Woman: You guys disgust me. You only watch the sport because the

women are wearing skimpy bikinis. I bet you would watch any sport if the

women played naked.

Bill took offense to this comment and objected: Not bowling and golf!

We all raised our hands to give her a high-five and salute Women’s Beach Volleyball.

But she declined to high-five us and stormed out of the break room.

Tom: Can’t you see she was trying to make a point.

We all agreed she was trying to make a point.

What that point was we had no idea.

Some people think it’s sufficient to just put a sticky note

on the toilette that says: “I did not flush.”

The amazing thing is it’s also less effort to just flush.

Why take the time to write the note?

Also, you don’t actually have to leave a note.

Once I evaluate the situation,

I’ll probably just flush myself.

Still, I suppose leaving a sticky note

is the thoughtful thing to do.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any have any sticky notes.

Well, except for this one I took from the break room

with the left over pizza, which I will have to make do.

 

“Help yourself.”

It seems like everywhere you go all products
they now sell want you to go to Facebook and
let your friends know that you “like” that product.

Let your friends know you “like” this shampoo that kills head lice.
Let your friends know you “like” these pills that reduces excess flatulence.
Let your friends know you “like” these adult diapers for incontinence.

This is all fine, but there are some products they ask you to let your friends know that you like that are actually embarrassing. I saw a let your friends know you “like” on the side of a box of Preparation H!! Imagine the painful embarrassment you would suffer letting your friends know you have hemorrhoids?!!

No. I wasn’t looking for such a product when I was shopping.
I just happened to notice as I was passing in the aisle.
God would that ever be embarrassing!!

No. I was looking to see if they carried a generic brand of Viagra.
For a…
For a friend.

Hey, here’s similar product manufactured in China.
I read the box.
“May cause effects not unlike Viagra.”
“May do nothing.”
“May cause something to fall off.”

As a friend I bought it for my friend.
I also clicked on the “like” for the product
on Facebook to avoid the terrible embarrassment
of people perhaps thinking I had hemorrhoids!!!

emonkey

To continue where we left off…

The dinosaur hated powdered milk.
It came from cow mummies.

Most people acknowledge that the dinosaurs
were geniuses. They invented both the “wheel”
and “fire”, but since they couldn’t read or write
the cavemen wrote the history books and inadvertently
gave themselves credit for these inventions.

This was the first of many broken treaties with the dinosaurs.

There is little written in the Bible about King Kong, Godzilla,
and the Dinosaurs, thus leading us to believe that King Kong
and Godzilla couldn’t read or write either.

When the dinosaurs successfully landed on the moon,
Neil Armstrong wrote up this achievement. The dinosaurs thought
it peculiar that a ticker tape parade was thrown for Neil Armstrong.
They concluded that it must have been a heck of a write up.

Translation…Dinosaur: “Hey, Jim where did you get that powered milk?”
The dinosaurs had taken the upper hand by learning Swahili.

From now on the history books would be written in Swahili.
Of course, the dinosaurs still could read or write, so the books could still
be written in English and they wouldn’t know.

Neil Armstrong grinned silently to himself, knowing he would soon be
the first man on Mars.

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